What if I told you there were two versions of your life?
In one timeline, everything goes according to plan. You pass the courses, graduate early, make your family proud. That version of yourself becomes the one you have always imagined.
In another timeline, your grades are not what you expected, graduation is delayed, everyone seems to be moving ahead, and there you are, trying and trying to catch up with the rest.
For a long time, I was chasing the first version.
The version of myself who would enter university, study Accounting, spend the expected number of years there, and graduate with the people I started with. With time I just had to accept my own reality, and sympathize with the fact that it was going to be a different path for me.
At some point, I had to tell myself, “Boy, people have extra semesters all the time, repeat courses, and yet they still graduate even if the time is prolonged a bit.” Life simply happened.
For me, academics slowly became more than school. Failed courses, disappointing results and constantly thinking about my Cumulative Grade Point Average started affecting how I saw myself. A number, literally, controlled my lifestyle completely. And that is where things became dangerous.
There is a difference between saying, “I failed a course”, and believing, “I am a failure.” When you tie your worth completely to academic success, one setback can begin to feel like everything is falling apart. And this is where we—you and I—need to speak honestly about suicide.
There are countless students who look perfectly fine, but silently carry disappointment and hopelessness because school is not going according to plan. They attend lectures, laugh with friends, and respond with “I’m fine” when asked. But privately, they ponder whether this life is really worth it, a life where they work all day and get nothing to show for it in the end.
Sometimes the pressure is not from the grade itself. It stems from how the grade is pictured in our minds. We believe we have disappointed our family, think everybody is ahead of us, and say negative words to ourselves. Eventually, “I have failed” can become “I have failed at life.” Fortunately, they are not the same thing. A transcript can tell your academic performance; it cannot tell your full value as a human being. It cannot measure your creativity, dreams and everything beautiful that you will still become (Amen!). It cannot evaluate how well you perform for the rest of your life.
This is something I have to remind myself about whenever the issue comes up.
I still care about my academics. I still want to do well. I still wish things were different for me back on my first day. But right now, I am learning that there is a difference between wanting to succeed, and believing I ought to value myself only when I succeed.
Maybe the version of me who never struggled, never failed, and graduated exactly when expected was never the only version of my life worth living. The version of me who struggled, cried and crashed out deserves a future too. And so do you.
Whatever the situation is, do not let one academic chapter become a final judgment on your life. If school has become so overwhelming that you begin to harbor thoughts about suicide, or you feel there is no point in living anymore, tell someone. A family member, therapist, somebody you trust, or even me.
Do not carry it alone simply because you think everyone expects you to be okay. And those with friends struggling academically, sometimes they don’t need advice to study harder; they need someone to listen to them. Sometimes they just want to hear that they still matter, no matter what the number on the report page of their school portal shows.
Check on your people!!!
Just so you know, on a random weekday this whole university chapter will be over. That course making you cry every day will eventually become something for you to laugh about later, so hang on and take it easy on yourself.
Your timeline may be different, and that’s okay.
Your delay shouldn’t make you think that everything is over. Sometimes life doesn’t move the way we planned it to.
There’s more to life than academics, a lot more.
I am more than my grades, and you are more than yours.
Lastly, before I head back to my HQ, if you feel like you have gone missing from yourself, allow yourself to find that bubbly, happy and wonderful person.
Drink lots of water, sleep, and pray also!!!
With Love,
Hafeez.